There was once this time that I thought everything in the world would be perfect. I would be this beautiful blonde girl. Thin, amazing boobs, amazing body, everything that enticed the opposite sex or even maybe females around me. I was a spinning princess in my mind eye and all I needed was a beautiful prince to grab me by the hand and twirl me into oblivion.

Growing up I was a pretty girl. A ballerina that survived through her dream world of being the main dancer in Sleeping Beauty. My parents made me feel extreme beauty and love and I wonder now if other parents offered that to their children. I was blessed with anything I could imagine… unicorn pajamas, strawberry shortcake sheets, designer clothes and that vibrant blonde hair that said I could own anything in the 80’s.

Will I ever be that person again? How great would that be. Reset. I am now back in the designer flannel sheets thinking there is a rhino and Indians in my back yard. Something I rarely told people. Something my brother told me. Something I wanted to believe.

How would I do things again? To start with I would not place my needs and worth on any man. Why do I assume worth as being aesthetic? How thin do I need to be for someone to like me? How raunchy? How much of anything that is not myself?

One day I would wake up in another failed relationship. How many is this? How many victims are there? Am I ever a victim, I don’t even know. I don’t even know. Was it always my fault and can one person always be to blame for everything. Is it possible that anyone else has any responsibility? Am I being manipulated? Am I being controlling? I always find myself in this tailspin where I don’t know up from down and right from wrong. Even though I am always told that I am the one to blame and sometimes I wonder I might not be.

Does anyone else feel this way?